Class reflection
#1 of second class
Making a list of grocery items within $25 for the survival of
one week caused me to feel abhorrent emotion in me when the guest speaker
explained real cases to the class. For example, a long year of mal nutrition
diet causes them to have disadvantageous looks in the job interview and to be
susceptible to the sickness. This disgusting scheme seems to take it for
granted that the least privileged people always remain the hostages, who keep
on sacrificing themselves unknowingly to endow the unknown group with the financial
richness. What if the poor and the oppressed are stuck in the cruel cycle
spiraling out of systematic deformation of societal institutions for a long
time?
In this context, the theological concept named “eschatology”
was newly interpreted. Prior to His second coming, evil system, which exploits
the least advantageous people, will masquerade the authentic character of it no
matter how well social justice is established. At this point, it was emotionally
painful to face this poignant question; how often have I tried to make
difference to this situation even if I cannot change it completely? It was with
the guilty feeling and remorse that I had to deal when reflecting on my life in
which I had never been activist. It is enlightened that minimal hours of
engaging with the poor and the oppressed consistently can be better off than
the effort of revising the system. Honestly, my previous attitude regarding the
homeless and care-takers was that they have taken advantage of the generosity
to remain status quo. My proclivity of this apathetic thinking pattern has
persuaded me to remain ethical intellectually while no participation of
activities, in my previous analysis, helped them develop the independence. This
demonstrates how I have justified myself about how cold-hearted I have been.
It is the obvious shame and qualm that I am in the process of
understanding the complicated meaning of poverty now even if the church seems
to focus on the blessings and the prosperity, which have been delivered to
Christians with such a great flaw. Because superficial meaning of blessings and
prosperity has successfully distracted me from learning how to flow into the
less privileged group, it seems that I am starting to open my eyes and kindle
the compassionate heart. However, it seems to be challenging to remain the warm
heart and remove the coldness in me. It is very likely that the application of
acknowledging the poor and the oppressed into my personal ministry and mission
field should be preceded by remodeling my heart, which have felt satisfactorily
and justified in not becoming relational with the under-privileged group.
Class
reflection #2 of second class
Based on the observation of nature,
wastes attract flies and rats whereas flowers attract bees and butterflies.
Likewise, if Christians fail to manage the brokenness unattended by the
presence of Holy Spirit, their brokenness tempts them to gain the strength of
evil by satisfying sinful desires secretly when interacting with the emotionally
and sexually abused people, in spite of the therapeutic effects whose sharing of deep wound and
gaining common ground can strengthen the foundational relationship. I was
inspired to realize how many tragic cases done by unhealthy interaction of pastors
and wounded victims and felt disgusting to acknowledge that more cases of covered
tragedy than publicly revealed are beneath the surface as the tip of icebergs.
Especially, hearing the magnetic
force attracting abused women raised the emotional uneasiness. Why did the
story of one specific man applying for the work at Young Street Mission cause
me to experience such an emotional disturbance in my inner world? Honestly,
this reminded me of the women I felt connected with very close within a short
period of time ten years ago. Although I did not cross the line (sexual intercourse),
I was sexually tempted whenever dating her. When experiencing a certain anger
and emotional sickness from this story, the fallen proclivity of abusing women
is not his problem but my problem which is very poignant to me. Even if I could
say that I have achieved spiritual fruits and I will go further for more
spiritual fruits, the establishment of both preventive and protective
environment seems to be very imperative in terms of both fallen nature and
bondage to sin, which had been imbedded deeply in my flesh. It is a real irony
that although solidifying the relationship can provide an effective foundation
on which emotional healing can be established, on the other hand, the gravity
toward the sinful desire might gain the ground as well. I will put disciplinary
measure of decisive severance into practice voluntarily when tempted to
encounter wounded women individually and designing the supervising system
attended by the presence of others has to be established when counseling
wounded people.
Keeping me in safety from emotional
toxic is the unavoidable step for the ultimate purpose when strengthening the
relationship with wounded people. And when wounded people start opening their
hearts, it seems to me that certain type of spiritual warfare will follow
after. It is very likely that carefully articulated selection of wounded people
needs to be established to keep me safe and help others. When it comes to the
spiritual warfare, in my analysis, it is very true that we, as spiritual
soldiers, neither underestimate the opponent nor overestimate the enemy. It is
commonly seen that many Christians started with passionate heart and end up
being flesh. Therefore, the invention of a safe environment seems to be more
important so that Christians may end up being the eternal winners.
Class
reflection #3 of second class
Competition and comparison are
two essential words which have been embedded in our mentality. Sorrowfully,
these two values seem to be fortified in our subliminal realm through the
public education system. Due to this reason, the terms such as alternative schools
and home schooling are becoming common among Christians. What if I establish my
own theological system on the foundational lie that some people are worthless
than others?
The class of Oct, 28th
triggered me to relive my personal frustrations I had been struggling with
vigorously. These are lack of love and judgmental attitude. Honestly, I thought
I had been discernible not acknowledging I had been judgmental. Although there
is a fine line between discernment and judgment, I think I have to admit that I
had been judgmental as a former church worker while serving others at the
church and still a proclivity to behave with the judgmental attitude hinders me
from acquiring grace, gratitude and generosity. Interestingly, due to the
internal proportion of mind, which was sickened by loveless judgmental
attitude, I was so obsessed with productivity and performance of work instead
of fruitfulness and relational openness.
It is very convincing that grace,
gratitude and generosity are inseparable from fruitfulness and relational
openness. What if I keep the perspective of productivity locked inside when
serving the oppressed? It seems that judgmental mind and lack of love have
grown into the proclivity toward measurement of productivity. In other words,
grace has not fully grown into at its entirety. If internal growth fails to
accompany with the ministry of serving the outcast, the measurement of
productivity will tempt me to do something plausible, but tragic which
obviously end up being flesh while judgmental side camouflage itself somewhere
in my internal realm.
In my analysis, the theme of
today’s class was “grace begets gratitude and gratitude begets generosity.”
Honestly, these three words were so poignant that I could have kept on asking.
Why did I let the greed grow inch by inch? Why do those who were battered by
serious life issues say that they want something little more after their
troubles were relieved instead of confessing gratitude fully? Even if I was
saved by grace of God, it seems evident that I am not conquered by the grace of
God. This is why the judgmental side and fruits of judgmental attitude prevails
over gratitude and generosity. I am afraid of this enlightenment and very scary
of this insight. Because the failure of this in-depth struggle can endanger me
and mold me into the legalistic person, it seems very obvious that the internal
transformation of me should come prior to the engagement with the oppressed and
the outcast. For the time being, the theme “grace begets gratitude and gratitude
begets generosity” will echo around my ears and I desperately want grace to
override the judgmental side. If I fail to achieve this, what is the use of
serving others? It is very evident that the current time is the spiritual
season where I must be gripped by grace of God.
Class
reflection #4 of second class
What I
experienced during the whole class was the ultimate frustration. The
intellectual awareness of times spent for the formation of cultural environment
which gravitate the oppressed toward the systemic poverty caused me to
experience the chaotic consternation in me. Many years of permeation into the
homeless and the poor through cultural environment seems to be an invincible
fortress even if professional workers are engaged with them for substantial
years. It is very obvious that I acquired an educated acknowledgement of
invisible size of iceberg that the initial ignition of hope blurred me to see.
Even if
the grace of God can cause an effective crack to occur on the stratified layers
of mental foundation the outcast generally has overnight, the transformation of
the poor and the oppressed seem to take the substantial amounts of time, or
longer time than I expect. Honestly speaking, I felt like that the obvious fear
gripped me with this question; how can I sustain myself to serve them not being
overwhelmed with cultural oppression? A series of question followed after this.
If I still have emotional scar, which has not been touched by the healing of
Jesus and modified under the grace of God, it would be harsh when the real
resentment appears after the time of hospitality the homeless have is over.
What if I fail to do away with materialistic affluence? And many questions
dumbfounded me. At the initial of the course, trying to be with the homeless
seems to be effective stage for the solution. But, in the middle of going
deeper and further, I felt like that I have lost the confidence and it seems to
me that a certain fear had been entrenched somewhere in my emotional realm. I
wonder where it originated from. And I started speculating what had been
feeding the fear, which had been lurking inside of me.
Based
on my speculation of many hidden reasons behind cultural characteristics of the
homeless and the systemic poverty, the adaptability into the standards I
unknowingly have tried to acquire does not seem to help the homeless. Honestly,
certain characters such as hopelessness, hospitality and religious attitude the
homeless have seem to be better than regular Christians as long as their
qualities are modified and integrated with the unknown methods I have never
explored before in my life.
Very
frankly and honestly speaking, a heavy embarrassment, frustration and fear are
still lingering around me and it seems to me now that their voices are echoing
around my ears by whispering this plausible word “do not ever plunge into
serving the homeless. If you knock the strengthened layer of their cultural
poverty, you will surely experience the backlash of your compassionate
behavior.” Even if I am experiencing a certain emotional abnormalities combined
with frustration, embarrassment and fear, entrenched deeply in me, the amazing
transformation of my mindful reshape will occur soon. I will ask God to pour
out the courage and audacity on me to help me thorough emotional and
psychological war.
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